Am I being silly? I’m not upset or sad, just scared and worried; two things that don’t deserve to have my time, yours neither. Just move onto the next post to avoid on-coming angst . I warn you.
I’m feel this way because of two people who will remain nameless. Nothing has happened between us, nor did any of us do anything to another. I feel scared and worried because of life, it tends to separate people, and these two people are people I selfishly don’t want to let go of.
As a side note: I’m not depressed. I thought I was once upon a time, and now I know the symptoms and I look back on who I was and what I did, I recognise something there, but I’m not like that any more. I’m not the same person. I also don’t want to ever go there, I’ve seen the devastating effects it has had on people so close to me, even one of the two whom I’m scared I’ll lose. What I am is emotional. Far more emotional than any other man I’ve ever known, to the point where it dominates me excessively, to the point of my embracing dislike of myself. That is probably the cause of my vent now, but I can’t help how I’m feeling. And that’s what this post is: nothing more than a vent.
The two people.
The first is someone very dear to me, very dear. I would give anything for this person, and there are very few I’d do this for. I would give them my time, my assistance, my advice, my money if they need it, my arm if they really needed it. I could go on. What scares me (once to the point of tears) is the fear of loosing them. The silly thing is I’m spending the majority of the summer with them, and they are around next year while I’m in Lincoln. What truly scares me is that we’ll grow apart. I spoke to the person, opened up about my fear, and they said that the best friends make the effort to keep in contact. I know I will, but I’m scared they won’t, not in spite, but because of life.
Life: the bitch who gives just to take. I will continually give gladly, but I don’t know if they will. As I write this I well up because I should know not to question the word of this person, someone this close, it makes me feel like a terrible man. Like I said, I want to give so much to this person, but I feel sometimes, particularly recently, that I’m not getting much back. They’ve had so much on, so maybe I’m being selfish, but does it take that much time or effort to tell me this, or to say that they appreciate me? It’s at least giving me something, anything. I feel so selfish. I know I’m the person that has the personality of a grater, spend too long with me and I’ll eventually wear others down, I can be difficult. This makes me worried that I’ve done this to that person and they’ll eventually wear away from my life, and it’ll be my fault. You’ll say that this isn’t true, but the little things give you away.
The second person I’ve grown to love, but because I’m so fickle I know I have the potential nature to fall out of love again. I will go home and turn into little son James and live happily and comfortable at home and forget there is a big wide world that wants to offer me so much. I don’t want to forget or lose this person. This person is someone so special and good for me, but I know my demons, I can be lazy and ignorant, it pushes people away. I’m not a bully, I don’t want to push them away. They need the attention that I myself crave. I need them.
I need to uproot myself and grow up, be the man I was meant to be, rather than the shell I tend to be. I need to let go of some things and cling to others, rather, I need to get my head and my arse in gear. What is my life that I need to vent about such things? I am stupid and useless sometimes. I wish I could just focus on being a good friend rather than a paranoid one.